With Ryan leaving for boot camp in a few weeks I'm overcome with grief and periods of sadness. Well-meaning people tell me it's good for him but all that serves to do is isolate me further and leave me feeling like I'm the only one mourning this. Times like this make me want to self soothe. Who wouldn't? I did for a while. It was too much stress trying to get ready for Amy's wedding and trying to get ready to say goodbye to Ryan. I gained lots of weight. Then I saw pictures of myself at the wedding and I realized what I had done. So once again, I'm trying. Once again, I've lost some- 6 of the ten I gained. Once again, I wish this wasn't my struggle. Am I making an issue out of a non issue? Loads of families have kids in the military. Why am I so heartbroken?
I'm terrified of food right now. I've been awake since 0700 and it's 0937 and I haven't eaten anything because if I haven't cheated yet it's a good day. I'm so afraid if I start to eat something it wont be right and then another day will be added to the failure column and I'll have to wait until "tomorrow" to try again. Weird huh?
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