My surprise.

I walked into my home last weekend to find a bag of dirty laundry and I couldn't process it. I had spent the day volunteering with homeless veterans, something I've done now for 5 or 6 years, and I was emotionally spent. I looked at them differently this year wondering how they were forgotten. How was it they sacrificed so much, endured so much, and now had nothing. I wondered who in their life loved them? I prayed for my own son, as I usually do, that he isn't left broken and battered and unable to function outside of the military. I came home expecting to see my two sons and my husband but I didn't expect this. I looked at the laundry and wondered who would have left that there. Such an odd place right by the door. And who would have taken my sailor's shoes out of his closet and put them here too? It felt like minutes that I stood there wondering this. Never imagining for one minute it belonged to Ryan!! Then it clicked...he was HOME! I cried not because I was sad but because I was whole. I had all the people I loved under one roof! What a gift! He had kept his homecoming a secret. How I'll never know but it took a village!!! So many people knew and kept it from me. What a treat! He was here only for one night which was of course not enough. I spent my time washing his laundry. I guess thats what mothers do when kids come home. Cook and do laundry. I drove him back and cried again dropping him off. I'm still not used to handing him back over.

Yesterday I got to attend his BESS submarine school graduation. God has blessed me by being close to his base. Its 2.5 hours away and I can actually find it by myself! After his graduation he surprised me once again and told me he was coming home with us. This being Columbus Day weekend he has four days off. He has to go back for Saturday watch but will come back on Sunday. I like having him home. I know that January will come all too soon and he'll be assigned a submarine somewhere. I know I only have a one in six chance that it will be CT. He very well could be stationed in Guam...I don't even know if I could find it on a map and I do know it's too far to be a quick car trip! So for now, I have him here. I'll live in the now and pray for the tomorrows to come. I'll cherish the laundry.

Pain in parenting

I don't know how I survived being separated through his time in bootcamp. I wasn't going through the pain of exercise, the lack of sleep or the fear of failure. I was going through the thoughts of not parenting my oldest son. I watched him leaving the house and getting in to the car to be driven to the recruiter's office where I would drop him off. I thought of him leaving the house as a daily member of this family. When would he come home next? When he does it will be for a visit. Was I prepared for this? I found out in the days and weeks that followed that I wasn't. In no way was I ready for my son to leave. The son I had I raised since I was a teenager. The son I had made my sole focus for the last 21 years. I watched him sleep on the couch that morning and thought how would I feel without this? I had no idea the pain of saying goodbye. I sank into a deep depression while he was in bootcamp. I was unable to cook or attend to my house. I needed to hear his voice, the one I still recognized as the voice that first said "Momma" to me so many years ago. And when I did I heard him struggle to tell me about the hardships he had endured. He called me soon after arriving in bootcamp and had been pushed to his limit. He asked what day it was, what time is was and cried that he missed me. Instead of allowing myself those tears I searched everywhere in my soul to find the resolution he needed. I whispered "It will be ok. You're strong. You can do this!" I wondered if I could? The next phone call was better. He gave me hope he'd make it through. He didn't know he was bringing me out of my own darkness but he did. I couldn't bare another desperate call.

His graduation was one of those moments that will stay with me forever. I sat for three hours so I could be in the front row right in front of him. I knew I needed to be as close as possible. When he marched in and I didn't recognize him because he was so thin my heart sank. I saw him in a military uniform for the first time and became overwhelmed with anxiety. He will stand in harm's way to defend our country. That's what that uniform told me. I remembered him in his little league uniforms, his Catholic school uniform and now this. This is not one I would have chose for him. But he was so proud. He told me later he earned his uniform and the right to wear it. I would have to put aside my feelings and embrace his. I am proud of my Sailor and I pray for my Son. The US Flag means a little more to me these days. It represents my Son and his beliefs of freedom and democracy. When I see a home with a flag flying I know they support him as well. I wear my Blue Service Star proudly. When someone asks what it is I proudly say I am the parent of a serviceman. I am a proud Navy Mom.

The grey haze is lifting and I'm talking to him frequently. He still has struggles with his new life but they are fleeting and evolving. His life is a service driven life. His purpose is defined and his course is set. I'll ask God that when Ryan's ship is headed towards a storm he sets his sail and endures the waves. It's all I can do.

Learning what it takes to move on

It was so tough yesterday. I sat with him at MEPS for hours watching him "hurry up and wait" only to go to the airport and wait with him for his plane. He left me at 5pm on United flight 659. As I just sat wiping away tears I noticed my beloved son was becoming anxious and something struck. It was a feeling like I wasn't doing my job as a mother. If I was going to be there with him - it was my job to do my best decreasing his stress. I went in to auto pilot. I stroked his arm telling him about how he thrives when challenged. He loves to be the comeback kid. "Look at how well you did in prison release school"- a joke more than a real place. He lifted his head and stared at me. "Yeah, I did, didn't I?" Yes you did. You've had huge challenges and thrived in them! I sat and told him I was so proud of him. I told him no matter the outcome-whatever his decision was I was here for him. He could always come home. He seemed so tired and instead of staying with him to the last possible second I asked him what time he wanted me to leave so he could rest. It wasn't about me, it was about him. We decided if I left him at three he could sleep for an hour or so and get on the plane and go to boot camp. That's what we did. I hugged him and told him I loved him and whispered "awesome possum" in his ear. He turned and waved to me
at the security check point. I have that picture. He reminded me of something he learned in wrestling. "Pain is weakness leaving the body." It's been swirling around in my brain since he said it yesterday. I must be getting stronger today.

Not a mention of dieting today

My son Ryan leaves the nest today to join the US Navy. I think I have a little bit more insight into what a mother's grief really feels like. I'm beside myself with overwhelming sadness as he leaves. He's chosen a career in submarine service which will put him out of contact for months at a time. It just doesn't make sense as a mother not to talk to him for more than a day let alone what the Navy has in store for us. I feel powerless in this situation. I just want one more time to read to him or curl up with him. I cant let go. Why does 4pm have to come today? Goodbyes are awful. I'll say " Until I see you again." I can't say goodbye.

Day one a success!

I made it through day one! Wahoooooo! What I've learned about dieting is it isn't about a week of dieting. It's not about losing 20 lbs at a time. It's one day. One meal at a time. Yesterday, 5/19/09 was a success! Can I string two great days together?

New diet!! The bitch is a size 4 with a boob job!!

Well if this wasn't enough to motivate me I don't know what will. Call it TNT for the stubborn dieter. My ex husband's wife had bypass surgery. She lost so much weight it angers me! I had WLS...but she had bypass and I had a band. I must remember that. What did she do now??? She had a tummy tuck and a boob job and SHES A SIZE 4!!!! AHHHHH!
Look you can put a dress on a gorilla but it's still a gorilla. I get that. On her best day she's still a ground- dwelling primate scratching her big butt with the rest of them . But damn...I want the size 4! So all last night I psyched myself up for today. I promised myself one more shot at the liquid thing. Take it off Sandi...you can do it. I woke up and made a huge blender full of chocolate drinks for the day and had one. I must admit in the blender it's much better. Let's see how long I can last.
WTF? A size four? Biotch!

Dieting during loss

With Ryan leaving for boot camp in a few weeks I'm overcome with grief and periods of sadness. Well-meaning people tell me it's good for him but all that serves to do is isolate me further and leave me feeling like I'm the only one mourning this. Times like this make me want to self soothe. Who wouldn't? I did for a while. It was too much stress trying to get ready for Amy's wedding and trying to get ready to say goodbye to Ryan. I gained lots of weight. Then I saw pictures of myself at the wedding and I realized what I had done. So once again, I'm trying. Once again, I've lost some- 6 of the ten I gained. Once again, I wish this wasn't my struggle. Am I making an issue out of a non issue? Loads of families have kids in the military. Why am I so heartbroken?

I'm terrified of food right now. I've been awake since 0700 and it's 0937 and I haven't eaten anything because if I haven't cheated yet it's a good day. I'm so afraid if I start to eat something it wont be right and then another day will be added to the failure column and I'll have to wait until "tomorrow" to try again. Weird huh?

this f*cking diet sucks!!!!

Have I cheated? NO! Did I want to cheat yesterday but put the Hershey's chocolate bar back??? YES!!! I figured I didn't need the extra 210 calories. SO tell me why the hell- after eating nothing but freaking rabbit food- did I GAIN a pound and a half yesterday????!!!!!!!!!! I'm CURSED!!!! I have been so good this week. All I've had are salads and a once daily Lean Cuisine. AND I GAINED WEIGHT!!!!!!!! Overall this week I lost but yesterday I gained. WTF???? And someone somewhere will wonder why fat people get frustrated with dieting and quit. Jackasses! Numbnuts!!! I'm starving and haven't cheated and I gained freaking weight! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
No real soda intake and only one glass of wine this week. Oh dear god. The lightheadedness and the hunger are enough to sabotage this but then to gain? Why bother?!

Ultra dieting.

Three weeks til the wedding. Diet is in overdrive. Ok, diet started yesterday and is in panic mode. This is what I do. Now I'm in ultra dieting mode which means there no room for any extra calories. Then I'll splurge on vacation and it will be hard to get back on track. Patterns suck.

I'd eat a sock right now.

This is the part when I start to suffer. This is what makes dieting an effort. I've had big babies- I know effort. Dieting is worse. At least with childbirth theres drugs and an end. Dieting is long term and hard work. It's a chronic case of the grumbellies. It's making food for your families and thenI sit down and eat a bowl of vegetation. I don't want shrubbery- I was barbecue pulled pork. I want CARBS! I had my lame brained moment at the grocery store the other day. I stood starring blankly at the cashier and it wasn't until he said, "Do you want to use those coupons and that bank card" that I finally snapped out of it and participated with the transaction. I want to wear a sign around my neck that says "low blood sugar" so if I'm found wandering in Hannaford's people will know what to do. Feed me! Black coffee is not a food group and a bowl of brussel sprouts does not fool me. It's rabbit food.

Yeah!! Another attempt at dieting!

This is getting old. I'm one day into this again. Again I'm starting another attempt at making this the year I lose the weight. Again. That's part of the frustration. It's nothing new. It doesn't feel new. Its the same old schtick. Today I didn't even bother to get on the scale. I know what I weighed yesterday and I'll take it from there. Ugh. It's the same old liquid diet guaranteed to cause weight loss if I can stick with it long enough. My sister is getting married in 2 months and I dont want to go to the wedding as fat as I am now. Nope I don't. Do I have any control over it? I dont know. I'm not one full day into this and already I was thinking how nice Chinese take out would be tonight for dinner...what was I thinking? I already forgot how to make it through one day? I'd really like to lose 30 lbs. Just 30. Is that too much to freaking ask for? Its a one day at a time kind of thing. Just let me get through today. Just one day. Today. Tomorrow will take care of itself. Its like being an alcoholic and learning to be just a little tipsy. How does that happen? How do I learn to eat and not overindulge? One bad day undoes three good ones. So my stupid friggin goal is to have one good day. So far, so good.